Today I passed a billboard that spoke to me on a primal level. It said, “It would take over 300 cups of coffee for the average person to overdose on caffeine.” And while I’m assuming it’s partially because your bladder would burst and kill you long before the OD had a chance to happen, I am also taking this scientific nugget as validation of the coffee habit that (let’s be real) I was never planning on kicking anyway. I’m pretty sure I would shave my eyebrows faster than I would give up coffee. (You can buy eyebrows. You cannot buy the kind of sanity that only comes from coffee.)
Although the years I spent B.C. (before coffee), I think that the mere presence of coffee, its smell constantly lingering in the air, and the companionship of established coffee addicts served as the gateway to the dependency on caffeine I so proudly flaunt today. Hey, the news isn’t all bad: coffee actually has health benefits (which you probably already knew, and have ready to in a PowerPoint slide for when your friends inevitably throw a How I Met Your Mother-style intervention about your coffee drinking).
But what probably isn’t so healthy is all the things I would be willing to give up for it:
1. Stalking crushes on social media!
2. Texting and Whatsapp-ing (while driving, of course)
3. Tinder (why I need Tinder, when I have YOU….)
4. Surprised presents (unless, of course, the present is coffee and Rolex DateJust Pearlmaster!)
5. Exaggerating stories for effect
6. Some humans I know
7. Green Tea that is called Matcha!
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